Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
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