I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Randomize
