thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
Hippo gnu deer
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize