my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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