Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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