We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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