My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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