I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
