Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize