I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
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