Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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