Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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