Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
