I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Where is the hickey?
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
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