yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
