I wannas sexs uuuuu
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
