I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
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