We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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