Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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