you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
God, I missed his penis.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize