she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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