some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
Randomize
