Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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