masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
Randomize
