her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
