She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Randomize
