nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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