my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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