dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
