My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
