nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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