You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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