he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
