Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
