At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
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