i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
