a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
Randomize
