just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
