dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
