im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
