Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Randomize
