I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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