I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize