Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Randomize
