She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize