you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
