I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i think my cat just said my name.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
