if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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