That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
