i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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