I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
