I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
