Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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