life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
