I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize