Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel like abortions should bother me more
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
That's a lot of people she's fucked in one picture.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
