I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
