Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
