I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
i need some magic done to my vagina
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
