and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
Randomize
