look no pants
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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