There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
