Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
