Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
