His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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